Here's what she said. She said that she hung out with this family and that she could just feel the freedom and the joy in them and especially in their children. What this family had was special and she wanted to know how to get it. The mother told my friend that she made a decision a long time ago that she wasn't going to micro-manage her children. I have to tell you that I have no idea what that means. I thought I knew but then the more I thought about it, the more confused I got. I had to actually message her today and make her explain what the hallelujah these people were talking about.
I'm a control freak. And until yesterday, I thought that was merely a symptom of being a mother. Or a side-effect. I thought that micromanaging was my JOB. Isn't that we are supposed to do? Follow them around telling them what they are supposed to be doing, how they should do it and then following up to make sure they did it and assessing that they are following all the safety procedures? Like in-house OSHA. I'm pretty sure that's how it was not ever explained to me. I really thought that I was getting better about being controlling. Apparently I'm not even close to understanding what controlling is so I am so far away from being cured or reformed, it's not even funny.
Here's how my friend "clarified" things. She said "it means a foundational shift from controlling my kids with rules and boundaries, etc., to encouraging them to act in a way that promotes peace in our family because they love me, not because they are controlled by me". I'm still picking up pieces of my mind from it being blown every which-a-way.
So, here I am with my 9 year old daughter. She has a project due tomorrow. My 7 year old son has the same project due tomorrow. He has decided that he wants the F. That is how much he doesn't want to do the work. My daughter doesn't want to do the work either. But she's not too keen to disappoint her teacher. She loves that lady like crazy cakes. We just got back from an A-MAY-ZING vacation. That's a post for another time. The point is that I brought back an inconvenient souvenir in the form of a head/chest cold possible sinus infection that I'll probably have to go see the doc about tomorrow. I am in a sinus-aching, phlegm-flinging fog. I don't have it in me to do these projects. I have even less in me to fight about them just putting my words into their handwriting and turning it in. If that dude wants an "F", I think I'm just letting him get the "F". It isn't that I don't care about his grades. I do. It isn't as though there aren't consequences. There are. I just can't think them up right now. I was thinking about making this one of those non-micromanaging Mom moments. It's terribly convenient right now.
Okay. It's the next day now. Sorry. I had to finish the daughter's project. And sleep. And play Candy Crush. Level 350 is vexing me. It's been vexing me for weeks now. So, yeah. I finished the project with one of the kids. The kids have to bring an "artifact" that represents what the cultural group (subject of project) contributed to our city. I made the hubs drop off some schnecken. I am totally hoping I bought off earned an A for her. Especially since I haven't had schnecken this season and I will be very bitter that a bunch of first through third graders get to hate on something just because it has a few raisins in it and I didn't get any and it's truly like taking a stick of butter, wrapping some very sweet dough around it and then baking it. I can endure a few minor raisin interruptions to the end result of that chunk of heaven.
The other offspring still isn't doing the project. I haven't had a chance to talk to hubs about this whole not micro-managing thing. But I'm pretty sure he is not going to be down with it. I'm not saying he is a control freak also. But I will say that anytime he has to ride shotgun while I'm driving, he has an imaginary brake that he grinds to the nub. And last night he said that we have to make the son do things he doesn't want to do. Like projects. And clean his room.
When we are first gifted these children, our job is to love them and to teach them how to be humans. "Don't eat that". "Don't poop there". It is like trying to domesticate a wild animal. As they get older, we switch gears into teaching them how to become an adult. " Let's not ever talk about poop or farts again". "Eat protein!" "Eat veggies!" "Don't dress like her!" "Don't hit girls." "Don't hit anyone." I have been longing to pick my battles for so long. When you are a control freak - everything is the battle. It all matters and it all has to be addressed and squared. But I am realizing that as I try to ease up and pick those battles, I'm still micro-managing the details of the ones that qualify. If the battle is "get dressed because we are leaving", then if they show up with clothing on, they have succeeded. That should be the end of it. But, it's not. Because "are you wearing that?". "You wore that yesterday. And the day before. And I'm pretty sure 2 days in a row prior". Even when they are getting it right, they aren't getting it right. That's a strong recipe for aholicism (insert whatever prefix), perfectionism and/or defeatism. Or becoming a control freak. There is very little freedom in that. Or content.
I gotta run. I just noticed another chunk of my mind under the couch. And I am anxious to see if the daughter was grateful enough and thoughtful enough to save me some schnecken. Then I have to remember not to fuss at her if she wasn't. I am now noticing that NOT micro-managing seems to have infinitely more steps than micro-managing. Bah.
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